The following is a reflection by one of our novices (Br. Gabriel Myriam Kurzawski) given to his classmates concerning Chapter 58 of the Holy Rule. Please look for more articles like this from the Novices in the next couple of days.
A few weeks ago, I spoke with a good friend of mine who I met almost 5 years ago while attending a “Come and See Weekend” with a missionary religious order based in Queens, NY. Little did we know, at the time, that we would both eventually join this order, spend over 2 years developing our prayer life and friendship within this order, and later leave this order in order to follow Christ even more closely, myself as a Benedictine monk and my friend as a diocesan seminarian. Yet, we remain united to each other by our love for Jesus Christ and His Holy Catholic Church. He jokingly remarked that we had both DISCERNED to leave this order and follow the Lord on a similar but different road. For one reason or another the word my friend used “discern” stuck with me. For days I just kept thinking about what does it mean to truly follow the Lord? How can one "discern" not to follow a Divine calling? Since we are free people, how could God call some and not others as I am so accustomed to hear in our modern Catholic lingo? To answer these questions I decided to start with the trusty Novitiate Webster’s Dictionary.…The dictionary states that to discern is, “to know or recognize mentally” while the act of discernment is, “the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure.” I must state that as an individual that has always admired St. Anselm’s argument for the existence of God, “I believe because it is absurd” the dictionaries definitions did not resonate well with me, not so much as a thinker, but a spiritual being, a being thirsting for truth, and a being who has come to realize that my thirst can only be quenched with the spiritual waters of faith in Jesus Christ, who, as we know, is beyond comprehension. As I internalized and processed the word (discern) and how the dictionary explained its meaning I came to the concluded that discernment is probably one of the most overly used and misunderstood words we as Catholics through around on a day to day basis to the point where often times it seems as though one needs to contact the local vocation director in order to choose or, for the sake of this reflection, (discern) whether or not we should purchase the steak or the salad. For me, the word “discern” and my understanding of the what the word means just did not seem to add up with why I am here at St. Vincent, why I am preparing to take Monastic Vows, why I feel God is calling me to serve Him and His Church as a monk. This being stated, one might be wondering why I have been hung up on the word “discernment” for the past few weeks and what does this have to do with Chapter 58 of the Holy Rule. Well, to answer this question I feel it would be accurate for me at least to admit that I have not been able to grasp or comprehend what the dictionary calls “obscure,” of course I am referring to grasping or comprehending the monastic vocation. Therefore, I wish to dive into Chapter 58 of the Holy Rule, which describes, as you know, the process of entering the monastery and the Novitiate.
Two days ago, my classmate commented that, “it seems as though what brought us to the monastery is certainly not what keeps us here.” I think that is why St. Benedict was and is opposed to the usual nice and opened armed Benedictine welcome for all who come to his door seeking the life of the monk, for as we have all seen during our various experiences here at St. Vincent, Monastic Life is not always internally what it appears to be externally (nor is the human being) and therefore if a man is not at least willing to open his heart, his soul, his entire self to the will of the Father then he will only progress as far as he selfishly and foolishly limits himself in his search for God’s holy truth. Today this tradition of not allowing the newcomer and easy entry is on full-display each time a potential candidate for the Novitiate sits before the Abbot, the prior, the Novice or Junior Master, or the Vocation Director. Each of these men within our community are, as the Holy Rule instructs, testing the spirits to see if they are from God. But I must caution you and myself that this “spirit testing” is not something we in the Monastic Life need to be concerned of only at the time of our entry, for as we have learned during the Novitiate, the life of the monk is a continual interaction with the Father (or as the Holy Rule states, “a continuous Lent”) and therefore, we, as true seekers of the will of God must make prayer, spiritual direction, and the celebration of the sacraments the focal point of our monastic existence in order that we are constantly testing our own spirits to see if what we seek is from God.
Looking back on our Novitiate year and more specifically on our study of Chapter 58, I feel that it is safe to state that the contents of this chapter are just as relevant to the monk with the jubilee cain as they are to the unhooded newby. Each of us, no matter where we are at on our Monastic journey, our walking with Christ, and are bound to face hardships along the way, but as Vs. 8 states, these are “hardships and difficulties that will lead him (the monk) to God.” Therefore, there is much to be joyful about in the monastery for each of us, that is if we truly believe in the words of our Holy Father St. Benedict, and thus the words of Christ, which assure us that if we persevere in the monastery living faithfully to the best of our ability the vows which we professed, then we are guaranteed eternal happiness with Christ the High Priest. For this reason I finally understand why an old man once told me that there is nothing sadder in the world than a miserable monk.
This leads me back to my to the definition of discernment, the “grasp(ing) and comprehend(ing) of what is obscure” and a few final points concerning Chapter 58. Point blank, I can honestly say that in no way have I, or will I ever be able to “grasp and comprehend” why the Lord has allowed me this amazing opportunity to serve Him here at St. Vincent nor, I would argue, can a married couple fully grasp and comprehend how the Lord guided them faithfully and lovingly into each others lives and, quite honestly, I am really not to concerned with trying to figure it out. Simply put, we are not called to discern, to grasp, to comprehend the vocation that we have freely chosen in this life (and I must make the point to follow up an early statement I made, that the Lord calls each of us to Him daily… truly to serve Him is to Love Him as He himself is the servant to the servants, the model of priesthood, the one who laid down his life for His friends) this is important because as we continue to knock on the monastic door, asking the Lord, to take us deeper into His house, we know in advance that our Lord has given us a 24/7 365 day invitation to not just visit but to stay. Yet, it is our choice to either accept or deny His invitation. Either way, He will continue to call us back to Him faithfully.
To conclude, Chapter 58 of the Holy Rule provides us with not just the tools for allowing a man to enter into this monastic way of life but for me it provides a wonderful opportunity not to discern (to comprehend) why God has brought me here, it provides me with the opportunity to just be, to be joyful, to be hopeful, to be thankful that the Lord has allowed me to follow Him in this vocation that I have chosen in life in order to serve not just myself, but with His blessing, His people. “Receive me, Lord as you have promised, and I shall live; and do not disappoint me in my hope. Amen
